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——— Journal

It’s not always easy.

I know I’m privileged to, in some small way help people feel more motivated, more inspired, more capable to do bigger things.

But.

You know what. Sometimes I don’t take my own advice. Sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I just feel useless. I feel overwhelmed and I feel like I just haven’t got what it takes to do all that I visualise.

Yesterday evening I felt exactly like that.

I feel like the last week I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learnt. I’ve bit by bit felt like I have slipped back into the hamster wheel and I’m feeling the pressure of all the things I want and need to do.

Then I’ve beaten myself up as I think, you’ve literally just come back from a break, how are you back here so quickly?

I know it will pass. I know I’m not alone and I know that there will be a lesson to take from it. I also know when I feel like this, I need to just step off the wheel and move away. Close down the tabs, you cannot expect a full cup to fill back up with good stuff when it’s overflowing already.

But. When you are in it. It’s not a pleasant place.

So. I cried. A lot. You know, those ugly sobbing tears.

However. There is a lesson right there.

Better out than in.

I’m good at wearing a mask. I’m good at pretending even to myself that everything is ok.

A good ugly cry is like an internal cleanse for me. It actually feels lighter afterwards. I feel worn out but actually better to have done it.

Holding on to our emotions does not help us heal. Holding on to our emotions just makes us like a pressure cooker ready to burst at the smallest thing.

When I feel like this now. I know I’m overdoing it. That it’s time to switch everything off and just kick back and relax. Not easy but necessary.

It also has made me realise something valuable. All the time I was undergoing my gruelling treatment, I was willing myself to be normal again.

But what is normal? I don’t want my normal back as it was what actually made me sick in the first place. Why would I want that back?

The perspective I talk about with so much passion has been slipping. I’ve started to forget. Who would have thought that it is even possible to forget?

No. I won’t forget. Perspective is what teaches me the value of every day I’m here. I have a new normal and my mission is to keep it going as it’s a better and calmer place for me to reside. The importance is that I don’t forget this.

So. I’m semi through it. I’m bruised but only slightly and these little bruises will heal. I’ll make sure of that.

I’m not after sympathy, I’ve just learnt that our experiences shared can sometimes help someone else. I therefore hope my lessons help you be stronger too.

Tears. Let them flow. No matter where you are at in life. We are all human and sometimes vulnerability is the start of great things.

With love and light for a lovely weekend.

 

 

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